Have you ever felt so lost, so overwhelmed by something that you didn’t know where to begin to make it better? Have you experienced a desperate sense of loneliness, not because you don’t have people around who love you but because you feel as though you don’t even know who you are anymore? If you ever were anyone for that matter. A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister. These are the words one could use to describe me. Words that describe who I am in relationship to someone else, not words that describe me or any talents that I may have. Truth is, I don’t know of any talents that I have. All my life I have wanted to be great at something but, to this point, all my attempts have led me to average. When I was younger I thought I could be an artist, then a writer, then an English teacher, a veterinarian (thank god for spell check), owner and creator of my own line of cosmetics, a makeup artist. All interests of mine at one point or another but never really hitting my stride with any of them.
I’ve been feeling so out of sorts, like I’m in the middle of a busy intersection, surrounded by hurried people, not knowing which way I should go. Feeling overwhelmed by the cacophony that is on all sides of me and even placing my hands over my ears isn’t enough to drown out the deafening noise. I don’t feel sad, just empty, vacuous, like a big black hole. I’m worried because I don’t want to end up like my mother, angry and bitter about life. She turns to alcohol for solace. I turn to food or shopping. I just wish I felt something, a passion for something that involves me. Not Sean, not the kids. THey are important in my life but I feel it’s equally important for me to have something too. It seems like that’s getting lost. NOt because of anything they’re doing but because I just don’t know what to do to make it better.
I look around at my dirty, disorganized home, at my unkempt, overweight self and realize that all these things are symbols of how I feel about myself. Like I’m not worth taking care of. Maybe I’m over-analyzing, I don’t know. Perhaps I should go see someone about my feelings. Maybe I’m depressed and just can’t see it.
I know I said I wasn’t going to post anything but these thoughts have been bouncing around in my brain and I had to get them out. It has nothing to do with unschooling really, except that now with the kids being such an important focus, I’m really feeling like I’m losing myself and I’m struggling to find the balance. It’s been so difficult to keep things on an even keel and I don’t want them to suffer because of these things I’ve been feeling.
I just don’t know what to do…